This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
false alarm, still single
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
