My cat gives me a boner
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Randomize
