I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
