i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
