i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize