after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
