I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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