You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
so my class lasted 15 minutes this morning because this kid puked all over himself..only at radford
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
