Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
