Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize