Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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