My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Randomize
