she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Drunkenly tried to auction off Merik's pancakes at Ihop. Apparently I make a great auctioneer. Also, no one wants 30 cent pancakes.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
not ubering you a puppy
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
