You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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