Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
