i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Drunk is not a location!
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize