i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
Randomize
