i already hear my dad disowning me
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
Randomize
