I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I plan on gettn treatment center drunk
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
