now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
she looked like the before picture.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
