textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
