its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
organizing the empties. That sober.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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