Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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