i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
