I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Randomize
