Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
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