I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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