it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
