so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
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