you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
