i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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