you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
