my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Randomize