i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
