I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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