Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
