I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
we should paint friendship bongs
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
