batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
