Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Randomize
