I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
