dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
