DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
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