We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
I wish there were birth control emojis
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
