I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
