I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
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