Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
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