I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO EXPLAIN HOW FORESKIN WORKS AND DO NOT UNDERSTAND WHY THIS IS A PROBLEM.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
He made me cum 3 times, then immediately after sex packed a bowl and passed it to me. Yeah.. I'll keep him.
Randomize
