I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
She said just put your tongue in there and don't linger. I have other things to do.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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