If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
