So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
In honor of Randy Savage we're wearing spandex and handing out slim jim's with option to suplex. Get behind it
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