I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
