my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
