i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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