he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
The feeling are messing with the penis
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
