pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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