Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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