mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
