Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize