God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Randomize
