There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Randomize
