I did that thing where I cum for no reason again.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Randomize
