we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
