Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
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