I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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