nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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