you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
