I can text with my tongue
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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