shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Randomize
