while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
