My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
