I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Stories. There's stories.
MEGHAN YOU'VE BEEN THERE FOR 20 MINUTES
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
