Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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